By Stephen Strichart
I received a “letter to your pet” from Greyhound Pets of America. This should be placed at nose height on the refrigerator door:
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not make it yours
I cannot buy anything larger than a king-size bed. I refuse to sleep on the couch. Dogs and cats can curl up in a ball to sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
3. I like my pets a little more than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don’t ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don’t smoke or drink.
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes.
10. Don’t talk back.
11. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and
12. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
I should explain why you are hearing from me and not Neena. Last week I mentioned that Neena was at home with bronchitis and a fever. Well, things have changed since then. It all started on Friday, October 16 with Neena getting sick. On that day, the doctor said bronchitis. Between Friday and Wednesday, she fought a reoccurring fever that went as high as 103.8° and started coughing. On Wednesday the doctor said she had added pneumonia and possibly H1N1 virus to the picture and he put her in the hospital in the infectious diseases ward. Saturday morning she was moved to ICU, where she is resting now. She is getting breathing treatments to help with the pneumonia, and she is very weak. Please take note… she has no phone in her room, so calling the hospital is a waste of time. She cannot have any visitors other than me. I have to gown up and put on gloves and a mask to enter her room. The employees at the Signal are kept well apprised of Neena’s condition, so if you must call, call here. If you are inclined to send a card, please send it to our office, and I will get it to Neena. Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering, I am fine and the doctors say I will not get sick.